I’m good with believing God. I’m good with believing for others that He has purpose for them. I’m good believing that Jesus is our strength. I’m good with believing the stories in the Bible about the lost and forgotten being restored, and found.  I’m good believing that when clouds take over the entire sky that the sun will still shine through.  I’m good with believing that others around me will be blessed.

I’m good believing for a lot of things…but I’ve always had trouble…when it came to believe that I am who God says I am.

I am the girl who was always happy being in the background. I’d rather watch others succeed around me, and take on good positions…because I believed it was too far fetched for me.

I will say I’ve even gone as far as praying before, that when someone was sick that I would be given half of what they had so they didn’t have to face it alone.

I’ve never believed I had value.

I have been told several times throughout my life…” Well, you are just not as smart as others,” or “ You probably just don’t work as hard as they do,” or “ You are beautiful as far as average goes,” or “ You just don’t catch on to things as fast as others.” and I’ve even heard, “ You are not spiritually ready to be with this person.”

 I can finally say that this year. I learned that I had worth. I learned that I had value.

And I may have started with “believing”, but “ knowing” was what made it solid.

Maybe if you are reading this you are asking, “ How is it possible to really KNOW your value?”

I will answer that it was not easy, there was a lot of fighting with myself.

Some people in my past have tried to make me into someone I was not meant to be. They made me their project. I started to actually believe I was who they said I was like.  They wanted me to feel defeated, at their level.

I think what did it for me most though, was realizing I had value beyond what anyone could try to make me become, beyond the defeat they tried to make me believe.

My value came from those deep and dark moments when it was just me. My value came from those days I didn’t think I could have survived them. My value came from the time I almost tripped, literally. My value came from all those times I was talked down to. My value came from rejection. My value came from not feeling good enough.

My value started with knowing who God saw me to be in all of those moments.

It came from the times I yelled Him, and just showed complete and utter honesty.

It came from knowing above all those things, I was so dearly loved by Him. It came from knowing that I just had to stop and look around and see further into the blessings He had given me.

He has blessed me with helping me receive my AA after 10 years, I am engaged to an amazing man, and I have a better job than I could ever have prayed for….

 He was blessing me, to teach me my worth to Him.

I’m not amazing. I’ve done some theater, but I’m not a celebrity with thousands of followers. I have a book planned, but I’m not a famous author. I can paint a picture, but I can promise it would not end up in the Sistine chapel…

 And I’m okay with that.

Value doesn’t come from what we do, but who we are.

God sees our hearts. He sees the deepest parts of us that we don’t even realize exist.  He knows the desires better than we do.

 I don’t have to be perfect, I’d rather not be.

 I just want to hold my value.

LSOF: “ My Grown-up Christmas List.”

I love Christmas. I love the story behind it all. I love giving. I love spending time with those I love, and just sharing my heart with those who need it.

I feel like I got a late start this time. I did the rush of getting out the Christmas cards, the gift buying, and my brain just feels like Christmas came too early.

While there are Christmas lights around the neighborhood, Christmas tree in living room, and Christmas music on the radio..

I just don’t feel like I am READY, for it yet.

AND YET…

I make poem snowglobes every year, and its funny how what my heart is very willing to give into the holiday right away, and yet physically and emotionally…I am just not there.

I wonder if I’m the only one who has felt this way.

-          Seasons change throughout the year, but sharing our hearts should not be saved for Christmas alone.

I wrote that—-

SO….

If I really listened to my own words then I wouldn’t feel rushed. I would remember that Christmas is about Jesus all year, every moment.  It is about sharing, and giving at all times.

So I decided my prayer, or my “ Grown-up Christmas List,” that I’m asking God to restore my heart out of the busyness and just help me to “REMEMBER” not just what the season means, but Christmas itself.

Do you know what Christmas is about? Or do you need the reminder too….

Remember.Reflect.Receive.

And if you have anyone in your life that it is hard to spend time with this season, regardless of the circumstances, then I encourage you to put your pride down and share the heart of Christmas.

One thing I love about living in Florida is the movement of the ocean. I love watching the waves reach to the shore and meet the artwork in the sand. You could place a footprint right there at the edge and look away for a few minutes. When you look back you will see that your footprint has completely disappeared.

Something that has become more real to me everyday, and still a work in progress is how God’s footprint in our lives never fade away. What I mean by that is that God is not limited for how long He will bless us, and He is definitely not limited with how long He will help us in our healing.

I’m the type of person that due to a lot of negativity in my life, I tend to think the bottom will always be bound to fall out when things in life are just going too good, and I was placed with a real challenge today by someone dear to me,

” But what if it doesn’t?”

The thought honestly was not one I could easily wrap my head around. To believe that for once I might not have to worry, or have a ” Plan B” for something….it is just foreign to me.

So a thought correlated in my brain with all of this. The pit is a place of doubt. The pit is a place where we are not sure we are going to survive if we get out of it. The pit is a place where insecurity rules and security becomes just a mere echo.

I’m not in the pit, but after some thoughts and feelings about some circumstances in my life, I do see how easy I would be to be thrown back into it. I do see that I am at the edge of it. And I do believe its has a lot to do with doubt that God will have control if I start to fall.

So how do we erase this monster called doubt out of our mind. How do we keep it from dancing around in our lives and reak havoc?

I don’t really have much of an answer for you, because I am going through it too, but what I can say is I know that God sees it. I know that in the darkest of moments He still speaks. I do know that He doesn’t want to see us fall after we worked so hard together to get out.

I do know that we are meant to be overcomers. I do know that God is more powerful that our thoughts and our emotions. I do know that at the end of the day the sun may have set, but there is still light from the moon and stars.

So while I may doubt that my creator will handle even my littlest of problems, I do know that He see that they are happening.

I got some work to do. Little steps of faith, indeed.

I think we all love and long for those specific moments in our lives that remind us that God is still God.  To just know that He still has had a handle all along on our lives, and answers prayers that seem just so far out of reach.

I mean I’m not sure what that looks like for you in your life, but I can tell you I’ve watched Him bring things back round full circle.  Everything turned out okay.  There was no pain left, and no grudges. Just His love.

I love those moments where you can just see his workmanship, so delicately and so intricately chosen for that specific time of life, that specific very second.

I’m engaged to a wonderful man who without God would not be in my life right now.  We both had a lot to work on, and neither one of us thought we’d ever be together again.  2 years went by, and now we are ready to get married with everything we are, and something inside us, well…it just meshed.

I’ve seen a few awesome moments like that happen just recently, where I knew that the situation was completely God-led, and the power of His love just radiated through and through.

I love miracles, and I’ll never get tired of them. I’ll never get tired of hearing the sweet still small voice when I’m in the middle of noise. He stops me where I am and reminds me that He is there, He is STILL there.

I think God does bless us to remind us who He is, and that He still keeps promises. I do believe a rainbow still shows that promise, and even the leaves that fly through the air.

He is still moving.  He is still God.

His footprints will be the only ones that never disappear from our lives.  I think that can be hard to take in sometimes, but hanging onto Him, knowing He will always make everything okay…its a comfort.

I’m not sure what the life ahead looks like.

But I do know as long as I know He still is God.

Then my heart shall never fear.

 

From deep inside my heart I can honestly tell you, I know what pain feels like.
I’ve experienced every hurt imaginable in some context, some were at the fault of others, and some of it was at the fault of myself.
I can tell you though, that because of my pain, God has given me the gift to relate to anyone.

I can honestly tell you, that I much rather spend my time around those who are broken then those who think they have it all together.

The broken are honest.

I texted my friend the other day, and I thanked her through the experiences she has had. She has taught me to just be honest. Brutally honest. People don’t need us to sugar-coat everything all the time. Most of the time, they respect us MORE out of our honesty.

Everyone who is a huge part of my world, they have experienced deep pain too.

I have a heart for the broken. I love praying for them, and spending time with them.
I think it says that it is a rarity in this world to have that quality in a person.
Most people shrug those in pain away as quick as they can.
They don’t even realize it sometimes.
I hope my heart will help teach the world to see otherwise, and turn from their fears,
or their own hesitation for whatever reason in being there for those who need it.

I love Twitter for so many reasons, but one of them is being in contact with the unlikely.
I have met a few people who feel really lost and alone. God has taught me not to be the advice giver, because its easy to be rung dry, but to just be their friend. Just hear them out.

I’ve been up sometimes 3am talking on the phone to someone who was hurting, I’ve driven miles, I’ve sent gifts, cards and whatever….just so that person knows they are loved deeper than they are hurting.

I am not sharing all this to talk myself up at all, I am sharing this to tell you that God has a heart for those hurting around you right now, and He might just be asking you to take a look around and see who is in your life that really needs His love right now.

This blog is based on God’s mercy in my life, and I want every person who has visited here to know that.

He is bigger than any situation, and He loves you deeper than where you are hurting.

This passage below I have dreamed I was reading on a few occassions. I do believe it is my life verse.
I do believe it is yours too. To be there for others, and for Him to comfort you.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Social Networking Etiquette

I’ve had my share of Facebook, Twitter, and Blogging…and I’ve met some seriously real, and down to earth people along the way, but I have also had my share of meeting people that were less than genuine.

I’ve seen people say online, “ This person unfollowed me on Twitter, or this person unfriended me on Facebook…

I’ve heard people say they have felt left out on Twitter, or that no one comments on their wall on Facebook…

I’ve read what people say about how afraid they are on letting themselves out into blogworld just sharing their heart…

I’ve been apart of all of those scenarios at least one time or another, and I thought it was time that someone would speak up and think of an etiquette when it comes to connecting with people through the online world.

When it comes to Facebook:

How many friends on your list do you actually know personally?
How important is it to you to have a certain number of people on your friend’s list?
Do you write statuses with something meaningful, or just ramble about your day?
Why do you want the people you have on your friend’s list?
Do you get upset when you are unfriended, or do you not even notice?

Facebook is a pretty unique way to communicate. It is a little more simple that Myspace,
and it appeals to pretty much everyone.
However, while it appeals to everyone, that should be a reason one might pay attention
to how they act and conduct themselves with every status, every person they friend,
and everytime they interact with anyone.

We may have 600 people on the friend’s list, but we have to remember that they have their own opinions, morals and values.  It is important to realize that what you might say on your status might offend someone else.

Not everyone knows you. Not everyone will be able to understand your status, or a comment you might leave them.

Be careful that you remember the person you are writing isn’t the only one seeing the comment you leave.

Remember if you have people from your job on your Facebook, they know you from how you conduct yourself at work. They don’t know you otherwise. Be careful what you share.

If someone unfriends you, take only 30 seconds at the very most to think of WHY, taking any longer will throw yourself into defeat.  Don’t take it personally, even if you think you did or said something wrong.

If you feel that is the case, go to the source! Most of the time if you are unfriended, it is because of the person is either trying to downsize their facebook to their close friends and family, or they have deactivated altogether.

The animal of Twitter is similar to Facebook in some context. It has the ability to allow you to follow of unfollow someone, it lets you interact with other people that you choose, and it let’s you share whatever you want to…(140 characters of course!)

The etiquette of Twitter is simple. Keep it simple.

We rarely know everyone on twitter. If you don’t know them personally, don’t share anything with them!
If you need more than 140 characters to say something to someone, then email them, or find a way to say it more succinctly.
It drives people crazy when they look on a Twitter feed and hear only about you for at least 8 tweets.
Twitter can be a way for networking with the big business.  People in position are always searching through tweets to get to know other people and see where their interests are.
I know a few people who have actually been published, and noticed on other avenues just because of an agent seeking out someone worthy of the job.
It’s good to interact with everyone, but again, keep it simple.

Celebrities are on Twitter, yes we know this, but remember they don’t know you.

Be respectful always to everyone’s time, don’t reply a thousand times to keep conversation going,
unless it is the way the other person interacts, but even then, take it to email or text, not everyone on Twitter needs to know do they?

Be careful on what you retweet. Make sure it is appropriate for all your followers.

Finally, the etiquette of blogworld:

I’ve been apart of blogworld for now almost 6 years. I’ve had my share of comments that I was so touched by, and I’ve had my share of those that I’ve deleted as soon as I could get to the computer.

The etiquette for blogging I’d say is to remember it is not what you say, but where your heart is in writing it.

People all over the world can click on what you write thanks to Google and other such search engines, it is important to realize that words have impact on others.
You may not receive one comment on your blog, but someone on the other side of the screen may have been crying their eyes out, because it touched them so deep.

You also have to be careful on what you write about:
I’ve run into a situation like that before; My words were not meant to hurt anyone, but because of this person’s loss, it hit too close for comfort for them.  I understand their intent, and knew they didn’t know me or my heart. However, I did take it down the post out of respect of their feelings.

So in that instance in writing blogs it is important to not be prideful about it, if you are contacted by someone who says what you write is wrong, and if it is something legitimate. Take it down. Be respectful.

Don’t use names of those who you should “generally” talk about to explain something.
I am one that has had to do this, because of who I’ve had in my life.  I keep it general, because I don’t only not want to hurt the other person, but because they have their own reputation, and it is not my business to shake it. 
We can all explain something in a way that doesn’t offend anyone, but we have to remember at the heart of it, it is a message we are sharing with the world.
What is it we are trying to say? What point are we trying to make?

Just like Facebook, and Twitter, the people in blogworld do not know you. They may have an idea of what your heart is after in your writing, but they don’t know you.

I’ve found that those I thought I was so close to, and knew them so well…I didn’t know at all.
Social networking can leave too much to assumption.

We have to pay attention to our words with others, we have to pay attention to our attitude and what we are trying to convey.
We have to realize that they know other people, and they may not be the only ones visiting our blogs.

The best part of blogging I love most is it is a place to be neutral.
Not everyone on your Twitter, or Facebook will read your blog. 
You have some room to be you.
To share your likes and dislikes, To share your thoughts, and to share your heart.

Next post I am going to share a little more of my experience with social networking, because its been a fun and yet difficult journey in knowing some people, but I wouldn’t change any of those moments for the world.

I cannot even fathom the fact I am turning 31 yrs old in 2 days…It is just quite unbelievable. When you are young you think of turning 16 then 21…but you never really think about turning 30.
People who are 30 are mature, they drink cosmopolitans, go to bed early, they pay attention to wrinkle cream, and the slight grey hairs they find.
I guess you could consider me mature, but maybe that word is like using the word ” normal” to describe someone, is there an actual true definition out there?
If you know, then I guess you are mature.
I drink occasionally some moscato, because it rocks, I stay up way past my bedtime, and I pretend I don’t have wrinkles, and I douse my hair in blonde streaks just so I can’t tell there were any grey hairs present.
I’m the anti-30 year old…
So who will I be at 31?
I guess to begin to think about that, I have to think about not just all the things I did as a 30 yr old, but WHO I became during that age.

Last November, it was interesting. It was a month of full awakening for me. I learned things about my past I didn’t really want to, and I found myself in an all out war with myself. I wanted to keep denying that I had a past, and my present would not allow me to.
I was in conversation with someone who related much to my own life, and we spent some long and drawn out time just focusing on the ” what was” instead of the ” what is” moments in our lives. Before long I found myself drowning in a sea of past regrets, and memories that had no business living in my present.

30 yrs old, felt like it took 30 yrs…if you get my drift.

However, its not to say that there wasn’t a lot of awesomeness that was apart of this past year.

In December I got to go to Birmingham, spend some time with amazing friends like sweet Fran , and pray with sweet Jan, and was surprised with some time to have coffee with Amanda,who is Beth Moore’s daughter and close to the kindest person on earth, I was so blessed by that time…I’ve never spoken about it on my blog until now. I think, because she is currently with Compassion in Equador that it was important to share for a moment just how kind she is, and how big of a heart that she has. It was time that I will definitely “treasure” always.

Between the months of Feb-May life was rough, I had fallen deep in the pit. I think it was due to the fact that I had not accepted that my past couldn’t live in the present, and that I could not hold onto it like a security blanket. It had to go, and so did some of the people who wanted to keep it around. My pit was due to obedience, but I looked back too much to my past and wondered the “what ifs”-

I was given ” Visioneering” as a gift from Andy Stanley, and it is probably the most amazing books I’ve ever read, and so meets me where I am from crawling out of the pit to this present moment.

The most awesome moments of this last year was the most recent; and that was my trip to Colorado.

I’ll post more about the trip soon…my heart has a lot to take in.
My heart was so very blessed though with my time with: Holly who just started writing for ” Praise and Coffee” and is such a sweet lady, Joanne who is probably the strongest and yet gentle person I could know and Kate who is always up for listening to be babble, and is an amazing person all around.

But what I will say is that God has made me so much more humble then ever in my life, and he has gotten my stubborn self to get up and do something that is going to make a difference in some way, shape or form.

He has made me focus that He is God, and without Him I am nothing, and that anything I want to do in this life will fall to pieces if I don’t let Him take full control.

As rough as 30 yrs old was for me, in more words than I could ever write…I can say I appreciate that I got to have that year, that it was a rough gift to hold, but it was one that was with true purpose.

I am 30 yrs old until 11-11-11…and always, I will be who God says that I am.

I received a text from my sweet friend Fran today, and it simply said this:
“ Colorado will do your heart good!”

My friend knows my story well, and I’m going back to visit in 3 days!
You’d have to know me a little bit to know why this visit is a huge to me.

I want to share first the huge reason I know God opened the door to bless me to go back to visit Colorado, and that was to meet my friend Joanne Heim. She had a stroke Jan 2011, and she has been in recovery since. We text back and forth about how we really feel about life at the moment, and we’ve shared some struggles in different context. It was after seeing we had written similar blog posts that got me to realize God was leading me back there again, and I did not have a clue that He would give me that opportunity. It has been a true blessing to know that He did.
I’m also going to see my sweet siestas Holly and Kate too, and I have no doubt it is going to be such fun times!
Colorado just has such a special place in my heart with real special people that live there!

This next thing I want to share is why Colorado is ultimately my favorite place, and why I feel God literally placed blessings in giftwrap just for me when I went the first time:

It all started when I was in high school reading, “ Rachel’s Tears,” the story of Rachel Scott.
My Pastor had come up to me at church and said he was thinking of me one morning, and of course I asked him, why, and he replied, “ Because I was thinking of Rachel Scott, you remind me of her.”
I previously had her name in my mind after going to Aquire the Fire, and I felt led to read about her.
She was so similar to me. Her heart for God was so loving, and so faithful. She had the same fears of being different that I had, and not feeling like she fit in. She was a writer like me. Like me she would spend hours just writing to God, just telling Him about her day, her inner thoughts, and her struggles with life and her own faith. When I first read the book, I was so amazed, because I had not ever known anyone in my life that could relate to my own story as much as hers did.
I read the first and second books…and then I became apart of the Rachel Scott message board and met some people who were also encouraged by Rachel’s story, but what I loved so much about it was we all became friends, we all were a support system. I eventually was asked to be a board moderator, which I really enjoyed, because I took off a little bit of a burden from the webmaster, and some of Rachel’s family who also moderated.
Valerie Haile- King was actually one of those friends I met over the message board. She didn’t talk much, but I just felt led to talk to her more. We emailed over and over, and eventually had our 2hr phone calls.
She was actually Rachel’s friend, and amazing enough, we related beyond that completely. Val has been there for me many times, and I’ve been able to be there for her. Who would have thought that through Rachel’s story that it would bring me miles all the way to Colorado to meet a new friend.
I found myself visiting Colorado when out of the blue I receive a call from my mentor who asked me if I would be interested in a job proposition, she said the only catch was moving out to Colorado.
I didn’t take the job, but obviously I felt very led to visit. So I went, and it was beyond awesome.
I got to meet Val. Last time I was there we walked through Columbine, and she introduced me to Rachel at the cemetery. We also spent a few minutes praying. It was such a sweet moment.
One of my favorite things she has ever said to me,
“ Ang, you do more for people in a day, then most care to do in a month.”

It’s a friendship that I really believe would not have been there if not for God.

Flash forward, its 2011, Val is married, and she has a child.
We get to see each other again as adults, as people with career-minded lives.
We get to talk about our similar job positions. We get to talk about anything.
We get to talk, because God opened the door for me to visit again.