LSOF: Respect Of Ages
It is so interesting how God seems to find certain seasons of our lives to really teach us, and I expected this summer to be a learing experience, but so far its been a whiplash of all kinds of experiences.
Its so easy to fall off the foundation when so much it coming at you at once; but that is where are faith is truly tested, and God uses situations and people to make or break us.
The Breaking Point
2 Cor 7:2-4
2Make room for us in your hearts. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have exploited no one. 3I do not say this to condemn you; I have said before that you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you. 4I have great confidence in you; I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds.
I read this verse, and I could almost picture the scene. I am not that particularly familiar with it, but no matter what, God has always had reasons for showing us things in the ways He does.
I picture Paul, on his knees, his head to the ground, and his hands are folded, almost as if he was pleading. ” Make room for us in your hearts, we have wronged no one….” as I read all the way through the verses a thought occured to my mind.
I am reading a plea of a disciple, and that plea has not changed over the years.
I have been discipled in my church for 8 yrs.
It is the time now for me to listen to that verse, and know it has been said by those who have discipled me over the ages.
The thought never occured to me though, that I was actually being discipled. I guess ” big words” sometimes get in the way of the meaning, even though I thought I was an English major. lol.
Have you ever stopped to wonder of those who walked in the footprints before you, who followed Jesus and now lead you on the same path?
I honestly have to tell you I have always had a problem with authority, never liked being told what to do.
So God blessed me with people in my life that always told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear…lol.
I spent so much time crying, and praying, and just looking for who I was in Christ.
I honestly can tell you in the book ” Believing God” I always get no further than the chapter,
” I am who God says I am.” most likely because I didn’t believe it.
Everytime something happened in my life, people had a verse for me.
One time I had cut myself, when I was a senior in highschool, and it was intentional. For awhile, I had a problem with self mutilation, because it felt better to me to feel pain physically than emotionally.
I remember my mentor saying to me when I showed her, ” You need to go and read Ephesians 6:11.
Which is this verse, that I memorized that night, ” Put on the full armor of God so you can take your stand against the devil’s evil schemes.”
I spent a lot of time over the years crying at their home, tissue box ready, and just trial after trial, when I wasnt sure if God was there. I found out through them boldly that He was.
I seemed to be getting pretty good at the whole respect thing, doing as I was told, and then last year I got involved in a relationship, and it was probably the first real one that I experienced a deep, and intimate one.
I wanted so much to please God, but at the same time I wanted to fall into my own desires.
So I gave into them, and ended up going over to my mentor at church and telling her that I was pregnant.
Everything that I stood for, everything that I knew, was stomped to the ground at the moment I not only confessed it, but at the moment I told someone that to me mattered in what they thought.
I was afraid of telling them, because they made a promise to always be there for me, and not give up on me, and I felt like I threw everything back in their face; because I felt like I was hopeless, and there would be nothing I would be good for after that point.
I ended up having a miscarriage, and ended up mysteriously ending the relationship, left broken, and left suffering.
I was so upset with myself, and I thought God looked down on me.
I only told a select few in my church, because I was so afraid of ridicule.
I didn’t want children that knew me and their parents staying far from me, because I was a bad influence on them.
I just hated myself. I wanted to die so badly.
One night, after a bible study, everyone was getting up and leaving, and I felt myself glued to the chair. I asked two women, my mentor and my old youth counselor to stay and pray with me.
and I just let it out, everything I was feeling.
Later this year, my mentor said to me, ” It is time now for you to find out who God wants you to be, and not who everyone thinks you should be, you need to live your life for you, and follow only Him.”
The Making Point
1 Corinthians 13:11 (New International Version)
11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
In all those years, I was a child, I was exactly what the verse described, but there comes to a point in your faith, where you have to choose to step out on your own.
I have had so many people try to guide me, and a select few have really helped God’s word be imprinted in my heart.
After so much suffering, I thought I would be useless for God to use me, but I could never be more wrong.
I will be honest in saying my devotionals in the beginning, were so color coated, pretty and unrealistic.
I write now words, that most may be afraid to write, but I was given the gift, it is my ministry to write, and so I do.
I want no glory for myself, I just want people to read the devotionals, and learn and find hope when maybe they are at their breaking point.
The world teaches us that we cannot share with others who we really are, because people won’t accept us, but the truth is knowing who you are, makes it easier for people to share where they are really hurting.
Someone had commented to me on this blog that I need to be a little more respectful for my job, that they kept me so long; and I want to say how right they are, because their decision was not because of me, it was nothing personal.
They had to work by the system, and I know they do care about me.
I know they care about me, because I let them get to know me.
People that know me, know I love to write little cards or letters for some and they just flow with so much.
Sometimes after I write them, I have no idea what I wrote. The message was not mine in the first place.
Its funny. If you have taken a spiritual gift assessment, you know how it is once you find out your gifts.
You right away start trying to figure out where to use them.
But again, its not about you.
I am trying to find my place in the church, a ministry that really works for the spiritual gift that I have, but I am still waiting on God for that.
Until I know for sure, this devotional and the Believing God study will be what I use to learn.
One thing I didn’t mention, was that my Pastor’s family has gone away for 6 wks, on a much needed sabatical.
Who would have thought God would want to use that time to really start working on me, when my defenses were down lol.
I was watching the story of Paul last night; and it was interesting to me that so many of the disciples were forced to spread the word alone, and that Paul did it alone as well, even when people wouldn’t listen.
I have been told I am more like a Peter, but I want to speak boldly like Paul.
I am going to school to teach, and that is another gift, for the moment it is only education though. It isn’t for biblical teaching, although at some point in my life, I do believe I will be called to it.
A comment was made to me at work that they could tell I would be a teacher, because I acted and looked like one.
I smiled, that was half true, but I don’t have the degree yet to really make that true.
You have to earn your place, it doesn’t just happen for you.
You have to suffer, to know joy.
My making point, was after I was broken, and had nothing of me left.
I don’t know where you are in your life, but what you hear is true, God will only be able to use us, when there is nothing left of us.
We learn to walk in our own wilderness, and find our way out by the light of God, and not the light from others.
Have a great day:-)