LSOF: Shades Of Grey

Life experiences sometimes have the tendency to bring us down; and its hard to find the joy of the Lord.

A couple of siestas have shared that it has been a sensitive week for them; I would have to stand with them in agreement at that; but at least we know we aren’t alone.

Starting back to school, it has been hard; I mean I love my Education classes, but the Biology class; let’s just say I have a tendency to cringe before really attempting things at times.

I went to class so far once, and this is unlike my character, I do want to be a girl of determination, and in a lot of areas of my life I really have; but when it comes to areas academically, I seem to faulter everytime.
I hear that negative voice speak to my mind, ” You can’t do this, I don’t know what you even try.”

I wish I could tell you that it was the voice of the Enemy I hear, but it is my family. ” Children learn what they live.”
I have been taught that I will never be as good as anyonelse; just a lot of comparing between my sister and I, and other kids in the family.

And a lot of this goes back to a statement my Aunt made to me when I couldn’t pass the Highschool exit test, I got my GED. She said to me after my grandfather passed, ” You know he wanted you to graduate.”

Everything in my life, everything I have done, no matter how hard I have tried I have been told how much I have let the family down.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

” If children live with criticism,
they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
they learn to fight.
If children live with fear,
they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity,
they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule,
they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy,
they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame,
they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement,
they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,
they learn patience.
If children live with praise,
they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance,
they learn to love.
If children live with approval,
they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition,
they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing,
they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty,
they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness,
they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration,
they learn respect.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness,
they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.”

It’s why my life in Christ, who I am, because of Him, that is why it is so precious to me, because He really loves me, because He really sees the best for me.

Its sad though, because I see how much I have been raised to believe has seeped into my life, and just the way I do things.

I was at work last night, and I worked hard, there isn’t a time I don’t, but I always do more than I really feel I can, and pay for it later. Pain usually in my wrist, and my back.

Last night though, after I had worked hard, and did above and beyond what was asked; I got pulled back to my dept by my manager, who apparently thought I didn’t do a good job. Someone had put more freight in my area, while I was helping at another dept. She apparently told another associate that I know what is expected of me, and I just need to do it.

It more than upset me. I haven’t worked for the company in 2 yrs, I can’t just jump back in as hard as I used to. I am building muscle again, and getting faster, but as far as all the above, its hard.

So after I grumbled my way through the rest of the work, I went and pulled her aside. I told her that I have been working very hard since I got there, and the last thing I want to do is make myself look bad, or her(she got me the job),
she told me I was worried over nothing.

I told her that I had a valid point, because I used to work for her, and I know she has these expectations of me, and I am doing my best, but she needed to give me time.

She said I was just taking it personal, and no matter who said what, I just need to know that she knows how I am doing. The rest she will work on with me.
But getting upset does no good.

So even though I cried my sensitive heart out, the one good thing was that she had already seen me breakdown before years ago. She knew how to handle me.
( Her son has extreme ADHD also.)

Anyways, its just hard to keep on sometimes, failure is always lurking around.

This whole thing though, walking in faith, I have mentioned it is hard, but I can honestly tell you I am such a differnt person that even I don’t recognize myself around people I used to work with and talk to.
And I don’t know how to talk to them anymore.

When I had my miscarriage this time last year, it changed me.
It took who I was away, and I have never been the same since,
but then God changed me more, and now I have no clue who is standing in my place!

I love writing devotionals, I love silently sitting alone and praising God, and reading the word, and finding new insight, but all this, all of it is hard to do, all of it requires more than just doing it.

When God has you walk in faith, really walk in faith, its like you are given more responsibility in things as you walk into a thicker fog.

Even sitting in my Education course, as you know I am a substitute teacher, but as I sat there, and the teacher was like, ” If you guys have any questions, I would suggest to ask Angie, she probably will be a help to you.”

I sat there, and even though I had the experience, I was still like telling myself, ” She thinks I will be a help to them.” amazed.

A friend of mine told me once that I don’t allow myself to see the good in me, that I let the life of my past hide the good things of who I am, and I can tell you I think I am a good person, but to believe it, that takes it a step further.

I start observing classes in a week or so, and volunteer at the schools, which will be exciting for me.

I still can tell you though, that I have it in my mind, ” At least I am good at something.” its so sad, but it is what I think about me.

I have opened up a lot here, but if you can’t be real as a Christian, how can others see we are for real?

Its not always sunshine and rainbows.

But they do come.

I want to end this with lyrics from a song Mandy Thomson, ” Just a girl” wrote, perfectly titled the same thing.

I just love it; and I don’t normally just decide I am going to listen to a song over and over, but it is one that definitely speaks my heart at this time. If I get the words wrong Mandy, I am sorry!

Check out her blog if you have a moment, she is a great person, and you will be blessed:)

Just A Girl
By: Mandy Thompson

” All I ask is a simplc chance
to say,
it might take all day
but this heart believes
yes its killing me
but I
Oh I am not afraid

cause I am just a girl
full of fear and fire
and my only desire
is to know you more

I’m just a girl
trying to sing a song
and I am learning right from wrong
In this crazy world,
I’m just a girl.

Well, this half pint of honesty
will carry me
when I
Oh I am too ashamed
the mistakes I made
they’ve been erased
but I
I still want to get away

cause I am just a girl
full of fear and fire
and my only desire
Is to know you more
I’m just a girl
trying to sing a song
and I’m learning right from world
in this crazy world,
I’m just a girl.

You have all the answers
to what questions me
and you paint all the pictures
that my heart can see.

cause I am just a girl,
full of fear and fire
and my only desire
is to know you more
I’m just a girl,
trying to sing a song
and I’m learning right from wrong
In this crazy world,
I’m just a girl.

repeat last verse

Be Blessed:)

Angie

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