I don’t know about you, but I have had a really rough week.
Newton’s theory on things that fall will fall…yea, definitely.
I was sick for a good 2 weeks with some strange flu that has made its way through FL,
and got in trouble at work, because I hadn’t been performing as well; ADHD on serious overdrive lately, I kept forgetting a lot of things I was supposed to complete.
School is going alright, I am doing great in math, but astronomy and world religion, I am honestly not giving my best to…
So here I am.
I never thought about it, but pride has definitely taken a toll.
God showed me a picture of myself running through a mountain corridor, and buffalos were behind me, but instead of running ahead of them, really working hard on keeping up the pace, I chose to climb the mountain instead to the top.
He just wanted me to keep the pace.
I am still going under training for Youth Leader, not a month like I had thought but 6 months, which I am dealing with, because I had no idea it was that long, and its hard not to talk to the kids out of youth; I mean I have myspace and I will converse by comments and everything; but apparently I am not supposed to do that.
I have known most of those kids for a good 5 yrs if not more, and I need to stay at arms length except at youth…I am sorry, but I know how I was as a teenager; if I saw someone new come into the picture, I would gravitate towards them, especially if they seemed cool to talk to. How can I just hang out with those kids and not have a relationship with them all, its too impossible.
I needed someone to reach out to me, who I felt understood me, at their age.
If I didn’t have anyone, I honestly would not have been here today.
So anyway, I await the meeting with the Youth Pastor with my questions on why things have to work the way they do…because I can understand just walking into a new place, but I have been at the church more years than at least 500 people that are there now, does that count for anything at all?
A week ago on the yearly anniversary of teenager deaths by suicide I was at youth and the kids came up to me and asked, ” How come you don’t have love written on your arms?”
and I replied, ” Because someone already did”
I saw their eyes bulg out of their skulls, I think I shocked them with my honesty.
” To Write Love On Her Arms” is an organization and has become a movement to share love with the world, with the serious issues people/teens face…you will find it on the side bar on my blog.
Anyway, so I told a couple of them my testimony when we prayed.
I was at work the other night, and I went out to my car and blasted, Nichole Nordemans’ ” Hold On”; and I cried so much.
Because when the world has all these expectations on how you are supposed to go about things, and do things; to know that God doesn’t expect anything at all; It crushed that strenth I had in dealing with all of it…it made God’s voice speak loud and clear, ” I still got you. I still love you. You are not alone in this.”
And this next thing may sound crazy to you, but it was something I physically needed to do to help deal; I got out the bible and I started writing verses on my left arm, first I wrote, ” Love must believe you are worth it.” on my top of the wrist, then I wrote Eph 6:11, Romans 10:28, 2 Cor 4:8, Romans 12:12, and just the list goes on.
I did that, because the urge to cut was very strong, hasn’t been so strong in a long time, but with everything that has gone on the last new year, its been very trying.
My mom was in the hospital this week, and was told her intestines had to come out completely, and my dad I had to take to the ER, because he had a 105 degree fever…
And I just sit here saying to God, ” Will this ever end?”
I also have been a little obsessive with the candidate race this time around, and I think for my own decision I decide I will not vote anymore. God already knows who will be in office.
Here are the lyrics to the song I was listening to, it can speak to anyone.
That night, it spoke to me, and God was singing the harmony and background lyrics.
I am worth it to Him.
At the end of that day, isn’t all that should matter?
By Nichole Nordeman
It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle’s end
It will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger’s bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you’ve called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge’s highest ledge
So baby don’t look down, it’s a long way
The sun will come around to a new day
So hold on
Love will find you
He’s right behind you now
Just turn around
And love will find you
It will find you when the doctor’s head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you’re praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed
So baby don’t believe that it’s over
Maybe you can’t see ’round the corner?
To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it