I’m good with believing God. I’m good with believing for others that He has purpose for them. I’m good believing that Jesus is our strength. I’m good with believing the stories in the Bible about the lost and forgotten being restored, and found. I’m good believing that when clouds take over the entire sky that the sun will still shine through. I’m good with believing that others around me will be blessed.
I’m good believing for a lot of things…but I’ve always had trouble…when it came to believe that I am who God says I am.
I am the girl who was always happy being in the background. I’d rather watch others succeed around me, and take on good positions…because I believed it was too far fetched for me.
I will say I’ve even gone as far as praying before, that when someone was sick that I would be given half of what they had so they didn’t have to face it alone.
I’ve never believed I had value.
I have been told several times throughout my life…” Well, you are just not as smart as others,” or “ You probably just don’t work as hard as they do,” or “ You are beautiful as far as average goes,” or “ You just don’t catch on to things as fast as others.” and I’ve even heard, “ You are not spiritually ready to be with this person.”
I can finally say that this year. I learned that I had worth. I learned that I had value.
And I may have started with “believing”, but “ knowing” was what made it solid.
Maybe if you are reading this you are asking, “ How is it possible to really KNOW your value?”
I will answer that it was not easy, there was a lot of fighting with myself.
Some people in my past have tried to make me into someone I was not meant to be. They made me their project. I started to actually believe I was who they said I was like. They wanted me to feel defeated, at their level.
I think what did it for me most though, was realizing I had value beyond what anyone could try to make me become, beyond the defeat they tried to make me believe.
My value came from those deep and dark moments when it was just me. My value came from those days I didn’t think I could have survived them. My value came from the time I almost tripped, literally. My value came from all those times I was talked down to. My value came from rejection. My value came from not feeling good enough.
My value started with knowing who God saw me to be in all of those moments.
It came from the times I yelled Him, and just showed complete and utter honesty.
It came from knowing above all those things, I was so dearly loved by Him. It came from knowing that I just had to stop and look around and see further into the blessings He had given me.
He has blessed me with helping me receive my AA after 10 years, I am engaged to an amazing man, and I have a better job than I could ever have prayed for….
He was blessing me, to teach me my worth to Him.
I’m not amazing. I’ve done some theater, but I’m not a celebrity with thousands of followers. I have a book planned, but I’m not a famous author. I can paint a picture, but I can promise it would not end up in the Sistine chapel…
And I’m okay with that.
Value doesn’t come from what we do, but who we are.
God sees our hearts. He sees the deepest parts of us that we don’t even realize exist. He knows the desires better than we do.
I don’t have to be perfect, I’d rather not be.
I just want to hold my value.