Walls

I have always wondered in the past why people have put up walls. I never understood how they could portray only one “side” of who they were when there was clearly more to them. I never understood why there was always this underlying, “ mystery”, and why they were so hesistant to share about their story. I have always wondered why people found it so hard to trust, I have always wondered why they could not just trust even me. I have always wondered why they would share something months after a huge event happened not understanding why they didn’t just put it out in the open. I have always wondered why people can have so much to say about God and His blessings and then in the next moment not find a good thing to say about their current situation.
I know why people put up walls. I have my own.
As I’ve stepped into the persona of preparing to be a communicator there are somethings that I’m having to come to realize.
I can’t share my story with everyone in detail. As much as I want to, there will be people out there that will just not understand. There is a reason Bible teachers do not share everything going on in their life, in a way as horrible as it might sound, when you talk about faith and then you go through something, you are “expected” to have a few bad days, but that’s it.
So my first brick I can share about my wall is, “transparency”…I’m not ready to show who I really am, and completely all I’ve been through. Even though this seems to be my “calling.”
It really is about how we “appear” to others more so then what our overall intent is, and while my heart is soft on the inside, from the outside I can appear to be “ too strong”…and as if I have a hard heart. I guess you could use wrinkles from an elderly person to explain this, each wrinkle is like each time I’ve had to be strong. I’m tired of being compassionate and loving, it has worn me out, and it is noticeable.
So the next brick I share is “ appearance” – How I appear keeps me from moving to the next step.
I have a big issue with realizing my importance, I always feel as if I am an inconvenience to people in the room with me. I have a hard time really seeing my self worth, and that I have just as much reason to speak as anyone around me.
So my next brick would be, “ Pride” – I don’t believe I’m as important.
When it comes to love, I fail at this too. Loving someone to save them is not the same as real love. I have to remember that God doesn’t love me because He delivered me. He delivered me because He loved me. I have to stop getting into relationships that I want to “save” people from themselves.
So my next brick would be, “ codependency”- toxic relationships when blind leads the blind, and our bound to fly off a cliff.
I have been told how well I do with things, I’ve been praised at work, and other areas of my life, but I never truly believe it, I am always waiting to “mess up”, and that someone will scold me for it.
So my next brick of course would be, “ Feeling of failure”= I question what I do all the time, and its sort of that Emily Dickinson poem. “ Success is counted sweetest by those that never succeed.”
Yep.
My bricks though, they are obviously all based from my insecurities. And I’ve just kept building and building…until if someone tries to get in touch with me, its as if they have to squeeze a note through a crack in the bricks. I don’t let anyone in, I keep to myself.
I keep to myself so much sometimes I don’t even let God in. He gets in anyway of course, but I really try to just keep myself hidden.
But being safe behind a wall only does so much. It becomes lonely, and It becomes pointless. Then when one tries to start taking the wall down, it only comes down in small pieces.
I’ve come to understand walls. I’ve come to understand they look different to us all.
What I’ve come to understand most is…
They take time to bring down…For us all….
But they do come down.

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